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Humour

by Michael Ford last modified 21 Oct, 2016 09:29 AM

Parish magazines come up with real classics: see below. Some of these have been edited.

Updated Listing = latest updates

See also:
Children's letters to God
Classic misprints
Holiday humour
Home truths
Love redefined by children
Olympics and Sport

Calne and Blackland

Party humour from the last-ever edition of Parish News

  • Everyone has a photographic memory; sadly, some don't have film.
  • Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Blessed are those who laugh at themselves, for they will never cease to be amused.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • No woman ever shot her husband while he was washing the dishes.

Devizes

Genuine notes left for milkmen

  • Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
  • Cancel one pint after the day after today.
  • Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
  • Please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops of the milk.
  • Please cancel the milk. I have noting coming into the house except two sons on the dole.
  • Please bring me a form about cheap milk, as my boyfriend has made me stagnant.
  • Please do not leave milk at no.14 as he is dead until further notice.

Dilton Marsh

A devout farmer lost his Bible while he was out mending fences. A few days later, a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth. The farmer couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed: "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover.”

Harnham

Genuine notes left for milkmen, part 2

  • My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do this before you deliver, or do I have to shake it at my end?
  • Please send me a form for cheap milk, as I have a baby more than two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
  • Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
  • Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
  • Please leave no milk today. When I say today I mean tomorrow, as I wrote this note yesterday.

Dorchester

A woman in a supermarket followed a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. The boy kept throwing tantrums, screaming and demanding sweets. The grandfather kept saying, "Easy William, not long till we get to the till."
Once they got to the checkout, the boy saw sweets again and screamed even louder, throwing items out of the trolley and embarrassing the grandfather, who said, "Hang in there, William: just a couple of minutes and we'll be out of here."
Once outside, the woman congratulated the grandfather on remaining calm and said, "William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thank you," said the old man wearily, "But my name is William. The brat is called Kevin."

Gillingham & Milton-on-Stour

I asked to borrow a newspaper while I was visiting my son.
"Dad," he smiled, "It's the 21st century- I haven't bought a newspaper for ages. Here's my iPad."
Tell you what, that fly never knew what hit it!

Ludgershall & Faberstown

A certain bishop was fond of using Bible quotations at functions.
He arrived to open a new maternity home and the organisers thought, "We've got him stumped this time!" However, after some suitable remarks, the bishop smiled and said, "I know you're waiting for the quotation, so here it is.
"We shall not all sleep, but we shall be changed!""

Tilshead

 Typo negative
A local newspaper once described a policeman as a "defective inspector." After a vehement complaint, the newspaper printed a correction which ended, "We extend our apologies to him and to the rest of the local police farce."

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
[Is there a female version of this one? - Ed.]

Tisbury

The Haircut
A teenager had just passed his driving test and wanted to use the car.
"Bring your grade average up from a C to a B," smiled his father, "Do some Bible study and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about it."
The son agreed. Six weeks later, his grades were up and he'd done some Bible study. However...
"I'm disappointed that you didn't get your hair cut," the father said.
The son replied, "I've been studying Samson, John the Baptist and Moses, and they all had long hair. There's even some evidence that Jesus had long hair."
"Ah yes," said his father, "But did you also notice that they walked everywhere?"

Grandparents’ Answering Machine
Hello. We can’t get to the phone now, but please leave a message after the tone.
- 'beep' -

  • If you are one of our children, dial 1 and select ‘birth arrival’ option 1 to 5, so we know who you are.
  • For child-minding services, press 2.
  • To borrow the car, press 3.
  • For having clothes washed and ironed, press 4.
  • For grandchildren’s overnight accommodation, press 5.
  • For school taxi service, press 6.
  • For emergency catering, press 7.
  • To book a mealtime at our house, press 8.
  • For emergency finance, press 9.
  • If you are inviting us to dinner or taking us to the theatre, start talking- we’re listening!

Warminster

A gynaecologist changed career to become a mechanic.
She studied hard for the practical exam and gained a mark of 150%. Doing a double-take, she asked her instructor how this had happened.
The instructor replied, “You took the engine apart perfectly - 50% of the mark. You reassembled it perfectly - again, 50% of the mark.
"I gave you an extra 50% for doing it all through the exhaust pipe - something I’ve never seen in my entire life!”

An elderly man finally got a hearing aid that worked, after a number of previous aids had failed. A month later, his doctor rang to check how it was going.
“Your family must be pleased you can hear again,” he said.
“Oh no,” the man replied, “I haven’t told them yet - I enjoy listening to the conversations too much. I’ve changed my will three times already!”

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